7 Weeks and 1 day

I don't really want to write this.

This has got to be the hardest thing to write down in words.
Losing someone, someone so small and someone you don't know yet, is the hardest thing to do.
There were so many possibilities, I still don't know if I made the right choice, but it's a choice I have now got to live with day in day out. I'm so sad about it, but it was the right choice.

I went to work that day, 7 am start. The weather was miserable.(1) Dark and cold, my soul felt the same that day. It was all I could think of on the walk to work. It hasn't truly left my mind since I found out. It will never leave my mind, I know this because it's been such a hard decision and such a difficult 2 months.
I've done this on my own since day one, yes, I may have told a few people to talk to them about it but they didn't make this decision for me. I did.

As I walked in the rain that morning towards work, it dawned on me that I could feel drops of rain on the back of my neck, I thought nothing of it and carried on my journey. Once I arrived at work, there was a hole in my coat. My whole left shoulder was soaked. (2)

I was at work for 2 hours. Work dragged so much, it was so boring and painful. Being moved to kids wear is extremely draining, considering my situation. I just wanted to get out of there. If I'm honest I just wanted to cry, I didn't know how to feel. I was cold, damp and incredibly scared.

I left work at 9:20. I grabbed my belongings and swiftly left. I headed to subway, the one by the station, figured that I wouldn't have to walk far in the rain.
Bacon sandwich, cuppa tea and orange juice. The sandwich wasn't all that tasty.(3).

Meg and Ellie turned up. Meg was drenched from head to toe, which I immediately started laughing at. She was not impressed. But she was laughing too because she forgot her coat, which she had an umbrella but that broke.

We all made our way to the clinic, past the walk in, and past the pharmacy, up the stairs through the first set of doors.
I was shitting it. I went to the desk, told them my name, in which she handed my a pink file to fill out.
We sat in the corner of the room. Kids chairs and toys scattered around.(4) Heart pumping.

We waited maybe 10 minutes, just enough time for me to fill out all the forms about my health and contacts in case of emergencies.The first lady called me into a very tiny room.
"Have you filled out the forms?"
I nodded.
"Why are you here today?"
I froze, sightly confused.
"for a termination" she added.
"yes." I replied quietly.

"Why are you here for that."
She asked.
" I'm not ready for that kind of commitment, I'm not ready to be a mum... This wasn't planned, this is not how I want to bring this child into this world."
I replied,
I reflected on what had just come from my mouth, I suddenly became all emotional. My eyes started watering, just out of nowhere. I wasn't crying, none of these tears left my eyes.

It wasn't that I was sad, it was that it was finally sinking in what was happening. She sent me to another lady. This lady was bubbly, all over the place, she was extremely friendly and welcoming. Just didn't feel all to serious.
She wanted a wee sample, so I went off to the toilet and did that. She took a blood sample too as well as my blood pressure. After she examined me, showed me the scan and printed me off a picture. That hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I had to wait 40 minutes. We went to super drug so I could buy supplies, and hair dye.
We went back, 5 minutes later I was called in by the second woman. She talked me through it all and I agreed.

Heart broken, but I knew what was about to come.

The week that followed

There's been silence for a week now. 

The first two days were tough, really tough. I hated myself for a while. I hated the way I felt, I hated myself for what I had said and what I had done. But on day 3 something had changed. It was like I had a new outlook on the world, it's like I view things, people and situations completely differently. I finally felt good. I felt relaxed, I had nobody to worry about apart from myself. I had nobody looking upon me badly, and nobody being angry at me. I feel so much more relaxed. 

Me and Rob haven't spoken since Monday 31st October, which is when he decided up get up and leave, walk out my life and leave me with this huge decision to make. 

"I'll be there to support you but not as a boyfriend." That is one of the last things he said to me. 

Do I need his support? 

No.

Would it have been nice to have him there through this? 

Yes.

But he couldn't wait:

"There's no good time to do this." 

What? I've just found out I'm pregnant and I'm very stressed and hormonal. So yeah, I'm doing really fucking well mate! well done! Thank you for making my day that little bit better! 

Idiot.

Silence is deadly. 

He first messaged me on:

Saturday 5th November at 11:17 am "Wednesday, we still going?"

Because we originally planned to go together to the clinic because it's something I decided to do. I'm young and there is no way I am ready to be a mum. There is no way I can support this child the way I would wanted. He messaged me to find out if I wanted him there and if I was still going. But I ignored him. I didn't reply. He then rang me: 

Saturday 5th November 3 miss calls at: 11:38, 11:39, 11:39. am. 

I didn't pick up, I didn't answer, I didn't want to. He has no right to ring me and ask me just casually if I'm going to make this life changing decision. This huge decision. 

Over the weekend I was with an old friend who I haven't seen in about 2 to 3 years, it was really nice, we hung out, watched pointless TV, chatted all night about what we've been doing over the years. I love those friendships, so effortless and so chilled out. So I was dropped home Sunday around 8 pm. I started getting ready for bed, all the boring stuff: shower, food, sort out my things for the next day and watch something on TV. 

I finally sat down, scrolling through social media etc, and then suddenly there's a knock on my door. 

Josh. He came in, still in his work gear. He started asking me all kinds of questions about my life:

• where I'd been
• What I'd been doing
• Who I'd been with
• How was work
• How was I 
• Who am I talking to
• Why I didn't message him back
• Do I talk to Greg

Just seemed a little weird. I knew these things would get laid back to Robbie, so I was really blunt with him.

Because I haven't replied to any of josh's messages either. He called me a snake, which I got really irritated by and I just kinda went back into my shell. 

Seems as though when either of them need my help or support. I'm there. Moving out for example, I wasn't okay with it, but I had to be and I respected that. I helped them move out. I housed Rob for 6 plus months. 

So when I needed them to support me in this, they didn't. The two people I thought I could trust the most, and to always have my back, didn't. It was either their opinion, no one else's. I couldn't talk to them about anything, I could voice my mind, the thoughts I had the process that went through my head, it all got shut down, because apparently my opinion was wrong, it was as though I shouldn't even think about it.

THEY WEREN'T THERE WHEN I NEEDED THEM SO WHY SHOULD I GIVE THEM MY TIME AND ATTENTION!

Anyway, Josh then left after questioning me as if he was the lawyer and I was the Victim. 

I made crumpets and went back to my normal routine. 

Then my phone started vibrating. Guess who is calling? 

Sunday 6th November 3 miss calls at 21:52, 21:53, 21:54. pm from Mr Rabbani. 

Again, I didn't pick up. 

I'm proud of me. I'm proud that I'm now not running back to him, answering his every question, call and text. I didn't feel bad about it either. I had nothing to say to him, I didn't need him, I didn't want to talk to him, and I certainly didn't need him coming to an appointment that I made by myself, for myself and no one else. I don't need extra stress. I don't need him showing up after the difficult decision making part and for the easier part going through with it. If he wasn't there when I needed him then he sure as hell wasn't going to be there when I went through with it. He's not the nice guy in this. He hasn't been here to support me throughout this, so he doesn't get to show up when he wants to.

I think this situation has changed me in so many ways. I'm so much more relaxed. I just want to chill out. I don't need stress. The world keeps spinning, right? So why dwell on something I can't change. 

If he doesn't want to be with me, then that's totally fine, I can't force him to be.

However if he does, then actions speak louder than words. And 6 phone calls isn't enough. 

I can't keep making the same mistakes, I can't keep going around in a circle, being used, being mistreated, being lied to, being pushed out, being someone I'm not, and I definitely don't want to be hurt over and over again, and again, because I can't handle that kind of pain for another moment. Some of the things he did are unforgivable, that doesn't mean I don't care about him. He has been a huge part of my life for two years. It's sad really to see it play out like this. It's really sad, in fact it's heart breaking. But shockingly I'm okay, and I will always be. It just shows that our relationship was both of us clinging to each other, holding on to something that is now not there.

I'm not even angry about what he has done, because in all honesty I expected it. 

We all show our true colours when there is a difficult situation at hand. 

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

PS

Go find someone who makes you feel like the sun was something they made for you in their tool shed. 

Halloween was my favourite time of holiday 

Anyone that knows me, knows that Halloween is my favourite time of the year. I do theatrical makeup (Instagram page: meeeg41) and I live for it, I do it all year round, so as you can imagine when it's Halloween, it's prime time! 

But being up the duff means I can't drink, I could still go out but everyone would be drunk.My original plan was to stay at Robs that night, or go out with them, but he didn't want me there, so I respected that decision and I carried on with my life. Obviously I was a little pissed off because that weekend was our 2 year anniversary and he basically picked his friends over me. I got no text from him that day, no call. I know things haven't been great but going through what I'm going through you might've thought he would have messaged me even if he didn't want to, just so it would make my day?
But anyway, 

My plan was to go to my friend Monique's house do some make-up jobs there , as I would get paid for it and it's something I love doing! Then go home, and that's exactly what I did.

Saturday night I called Rob more than I should have but I was pissed, first picks his friends over me, second doesn't message me, third ignores me. So I rang him. He picked up drunk and said he'd call me tomorrow. I was angry. He couldn't message me but he could like some girls photo on instagram. Did he respect me? Nope! It might sound petty to you, but he could have just said " thanks for the two year" ANYTHING, but no, I get nothing. Instead I see he has taken the time to like some random girls photo, admittedly she is pretty, so that was a kick in the face. I might have pissed him off by calling him thousands of times, but you know what? I am carrying his child and he didn't care one bit about me.

Sunday came around, got a call from Rob around 1 pm, he basically broke up with me on the phone.
" I'm stepping away from this relationship."
were you in a relationship then? Because for the last two month I haven't really seen or spoken to you because you've ignored me. So yeah, if you want to call it that, then fine go ahead.

So when I'm at my lowest the person I need the most to support me, doesn't. Instead he walks away.
But Sunday was good, I had a meal out with Meg and Ellie, and we watched gone girl at Ellie's house. was a really insane film! Good, but fucked up?

Monday came, Halloween! Me, Meg and Ellie planned to go out that evening to Brass but I had woken up feeling like absolute crap. I was dizzy, I was being sick, basically morning sickness but all day. So I had to tell Rob to come round mine as I didn't plan to leave the house.

He came round Monday, at about 2 pm. He sat himself in the living room chair. He kicked started the conversation by saying: " I'm stepping away from this relationship."

So I told him how I felt. About him liking this cute girls photo, he told me it was one of his friends, bullshit. So even when he breaks up with me he can't tell me the truth. What else did he lie about I wonder..
I also said that through this he hasn't been there for me, he hasn't treated me properly, that he ignores me all the time and that he makes me feel really unwanted. He was fucking smirking. He was smirking. I was livid.
I then compared him to his brother, and guess what? He got pissy and stormed out, no longer smirking though!
We still had so much to talk about, but he's the one being dramatic and doesn't care, he's the one acting like a child, thinking he's all that by walking off. Man up and deal with your responsibilities.
Me? I was angry, so god damn angry. I went down to the flat, I called him about 16 times, no answer no nothing. So I sent him one long paragraph of text, and that's it.

Day 2. Nothing 

The days to come

In the days to come, I don't think it had hit me just yet. I had work the following day, I spoke maybe 5 words within my 6 hour shift. It's not that I didn't want to speak, it's that when I found myself speaking, I felt I shouldn't be, my words felt like glass coming up the back of my throat. I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to be at home in my room curled up in a ball some where. Honestly I just wanted to cry every five minutes. I knew everyone could tell something was up, because they would ask me as if I was sat in an interrogation room every 2 seconds, if I was okay. I wanted to be invisible for the day or forever.

That day me and Rob messaged a couple of times, but I went home and cried again and again, it was as though it was becoming a routine. Robbie wasn't there for me in the night like he use to be, you see he use to live with me, so when he moved out something was already missing in the night, the safety, the warmth, knowing he was there to talk to. He said he would be there for me, but he never was. 

I stayed at his once, I think it was a Friday night, he had work the next day at 1 pm, so a little bit of a lay in. 

That night we got into an argument, he wanted to go out bonfire, when I asked him to stay in with me as I couldn't drink. But he wanted to go out, didn't want me there either. So that was it, I gave in, I apologised. Told him I was sorry that I was hormonal and that he can go out. 

That week he didn't really talk to me. He was ill for two days. He ignored all my calls, all my texts, any social media. BUT can like this girls photo on instagram. I was hurt. So I went round one night to pick up my pillows. He was at work until 11:30 so I thought I might see him. But when I got to the flat Rob rang josh, the conversation went a little like this:

josh:" yo man where you at?"

Rob: "Just finished, whats the situation?2

Josh:"Meg's here just chatting to her. You on your way back?"

Rob:" I was, but I'm not now." 

I left. 

I heard the whole thing. This coward wouldn't even come back to his own flat because I was there. I was livid. COWARD. I was so angry. I stormed out, started walking home but wanted to catch him on my way, and I did, but I called him. He picked up and this is what he said before I had a chance to speak.

"Meg, go home, cal down and go to bed. I've just finished work and don't need this. I'm tired"

I paused, yes, I was crying if that's what you wondered. 

"He's more of a man than you'll ever be."

I hung up.

I called my mum crying. I looked god damn awful. I was carrying two pillows, a bag and my handbag, whilst crying and god knows what else. 

I looked at my phone when I got home and had received two nasty text messages from Robbie basically saying he is done playing my games, and sick of the way I treat him and that I should go be with this other man I was on about. 

I was on about his brother. Long story but short hand:

brother sexually assaulted me, hes girlfriend had a baby, Rob didn't agree with as he was 15. Rob took my side and got kicked out that's why he was at mine for so long. Then a lot of horrible things happened. Now we're here. 

I rang him. He picked up. I asked if we could speak tomorrow, he said yes, but he was going to bed now.

So I lay in bed, upset, angry, alone, and feeling lost. And to top it all off? I've still got a huge arse decision to make! 

Part 2/ Same day

Once I hung up the phone with Robbie, I staggered to his new flat with Meg, it was about a 2 minute walk from where we were standing before. 

I told Meg to wait outside just in case as I wasn't sure if I was going to be staying there as the last 3 days, or should I say 2 months with Rob have been incredibly rocky, but I 'll get to that later! 

I pressed the buzzer hard. I was shaking rapidly. Robbie opened the large metal door. His eyes locked onto mine, his big brown beautiful eyes. His face dropped when he saw me, but he welcomed me inside. He kept asking me: "What's wrong?", "what is it?", "what's the matter?" I just motioned to go inside. My heart was racing, as I looked at everything in detail. The floor, it was damp but it hadn't rained in what felt forever, so the court yard didn't see much day light. The door handle, gold but rusting, had it been there a while? How many hands had touched it? The green flooring as I entered the stairway, not a bright grass green, but not a dark green, just the perfect between colour. 

The image of Robs face was in the front of my mind, those big caring eyes, with the puppy dog face, the way he has never looked before, the concern on his face. I wasn't sure how he was going to react. 

I kept my head down walking up the short flight of stairs, tears rolling down my face, I didn't know how to act or how to move. It was almost like I was learning to walk for the first time, learning to hold myself up. This was also the first time I had seen and spoken to him in 4 days.

I opened the flat door, grabbed the nearest chair to me. Wooden, cold and hard. I starred at the floor, shaking, still. Robbie crouched on the floor to try and look at me, his warm hands on each of my legs. 

"What? What is it?"

"I'm pregnant.." I whispered.

He stood immediately and started to hysterically laugh. I was confused, was this how he was meant to react?

" I knew it! I knew it!" He proclaimed.

" I knew something bad was going to happen! Every time I think something is going right, it goes wrong!"

"Have you missed a pill! OH MY GOD! It's just my luck."

He went on and on and on about how this was terrible, he didn't want kids, he didn't want a baby.

"AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET RID OF IT!" 

"IF YOU HAVE THIS BABY, YOU DON'T HAVE ME!"

These phrases stuck in my head, going over and over. All about him? How he doesn't want to be a dad, did I ever say he had to be a dad. He doesn't want kids. He doesn't want anything to do with me if I keep my baby. These words coming from someone who I took in and homed for 6 months when he had nowhere to live, I helped him out with money, I always supported him in everything, even when he didn't have a job. This is a man i use to care about a lot. And he can turn around to me and tell me that's it, if I have this baby? Thanks a lot, thank you for caring about my feelings. Thank you for asking how I'm doing. 

We spoke a lot about the situation, all my options. Yes, he did come around and he was very understanding about how I felt about it all. I asked him to go tell Meg to leave as I wanted to stay and chat, so he did. 

Within those couple of minutes, I held my belly. I cried. I curled myself up into a ball on the sofa. He then came and joined me. Harry Potter the order of the phoenix was on. My favourite. 

It was about 5pm at this point, ,y and Robbie had spoken for over 4 hours, and now we were cuddled up on the sofa. We came to the conclusion that I wouldn't keep the baby as it wouldn't be right. I couldn't be a mum yet, could I? We agreed that if this was my decision then he would have to support me throughout because I knew I was going to be a mess, I know how the little things get to me. I hate decisions, he is always the one making them for me. So this being one of the hardest decisions in my life, terrified me. 

He spoke after we kissed:

"I'm going to go get a shower, then I'll walk you home?"

home! I didn't want to face myself let alone go home and put on a smile and face my mum.

I nodded.

We kissed again but this time longer. The kiss grew into a make out session,like we had never kissed like this before. we suddenly started taking each others clothing off. He was irresistible, I wanted him right there and now. It was such an ease, so simple, so peaceful and blissful. Falling out of our clothes holding each other and kissing, Yes, this is how we got into this situation in the first place, but you gotta remember I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks.    

 He picked me up( he never picks me up) and carried me to his room. I felt weightless, nothing else in that moment mattered, it was just me and him, skin to skin, lips to lips, soft to touch and warm. It was though I had been swept off my feet, that I wasn't in that situation, I was just with him. My Robbie. 

We laid in bed after, and spoke about the life that grew inside me, he said that we might not be doing this for a while because B-A-B-Y. I chuckled. I don't think it had hit me yet. I was still so caught up in this romance that I didn't want to think about this huge decision I had to make.

That evening he walked me home, we held hands. I haven't held his hand in so long, it felt nice holding something warm as we walked in the cold. I felt safe with him, I felt loved and wanted, I felt I had purpose and if that meant just being with him, then that would be it forever, I love him in this moment, I love him in this day, but there are worse days to come...

x

Over view of my last week

It all started on Thursday the 20th October 2016.

Everything was fine, everything was so straight forward. To sort myself out, to apply to uni maybe, to go away on holiday to apply for another job.

I met my friend Meg that day at 12 pm. Meg I have been friends with for about a year and a half. We met each other when I joined wetherspoons back in February 2015. Since we met, we just clicked. Same name, same interests, same humour, and same taste in food. We get on really well.

So that afternoon me and Meg went to the pelican diner, I'd never been before so it was a new experience for me. We were seated outside as there were no tables available inside, I didn't mind, I could have done with the fresh air. The weather was pretty grey, just like the rest of that day really. 

I ordered a BLT sandwich as I hadn't long been up, where as Meg ordered a cheese toasty. Both meals disappointing, just not what I was expecting, the best part was my ice cold coke.

Looks nice right? Well I ate one half of the sandwich and that was it.
After lunch me and Meg made arrangements to go back to mine so I could get dressed as I was cold and then head out to the walk in.

The reason I wanted to go there was because I thought I had a bladder infection. I searched it and I had all the signs: I was weeing a lot, I had dizzy spells and I would get quite ill throughout the last couple of months.

So that's where we headed. We sat in this tiny waiting room (only ever been there once before and that was for my tonsils.) there was quite a few people waiting, so I gathered that I'd be there for a while. But before you know it they are calling my name to go down to room 16.
I entered this room where a very friendly, elderly nurse greeted me and told me to have a seat. I then began to explain to her I thought I had a bladder infection and wanted to clear it up and be gone with it. She asked for a urine sample so off I went to the loo's, this was a precaution for me being pregnant, so I came back with my wee and popped it onto the side.She then started taking my blood pressure as she wanted to do one sitting down and one standing up, but before the first measurement even read she turns to me from the corner and says " YOU'RE PREGNANT!" she sounded more surprised than I looked.
I'm pregnant... I sat there in complete shock, shaking and tearing up. I had no idea how to react or how to respond. I suddenly turned to her as she showed me the pregnancy test, "how does this work? How do you know?" Obviously I didn't believe this. She began to explain that the test shows your pregnant if there are two lines, as if there was only one then I wouldn't be.
She put the stick into a clear bag for me, as I held it she was writing down numbers and names saying that she has a lot of situations like this, that I have to make a decision and that everything was going to be okay. So I thanked her and rushed out of there as soon as possible.

My first thought was Robbie. The father of my child. It was Thursday I thought he'd be working but luckily he wasn't because I didn't even get past the door frame until I burst into tears and broke down on Meg. I held my belly and sobbed.
I asked Meg to then go into the Pharmacy to ask Josh where is Robbie. Meg came out and told me that he wasn't working today. relief right? I wasn't sure.
I stumbled to the beach with Meg, Still crying and in shock. We sat on the beach for about half an hour, as I rambled on about what to do, as I cried every 2 minutes because of shock.
We decided we could go back to mine and watch a film and make some lists. Good idea I thought. Until I received a phone call from Robbie, asking why Meg was asking after him. I broke down, I needed to see him, I just heard his voice and I just melted, I wanted him I wanted us but I know it wasn't going to be the happy ending I wished for.