The days to come

In the days to come, I don't think it had hit me just yet. I had work the following day, I spoke maybe 5 words within my 6 hour shift. It's not that I didn't want to speak, it's that when I found myself speaking, I felt I shouldn't be, my words felt like glass coming up the back of my throat. I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to be at home in my room curled up in a ball some where. Honestly I just wanted to cry every five minutes. I knew everyone could tell something was up, because they would ask me as if I was sat in an interrogation room every 2 seconds, if I was okay. I wanted to be invisible for the day or forever.

That day me and Rob messaged a couple of times, but I went home and cried again and again, it was as though it was becoming a routine. Robbie wasn't there for me in the night like he use to be, you see he use to live with me, so when he moved out something was already missing in the night, the safety, the warmth, knowing he was there to talk to. He said he would be there for me, but he never was. 

I stayed at his once, I think it was a Friday night, he had work the next day at 1 pm, so a little bit of a lay in. 

That night we got into an argument, he wanted to go out bonfire, when I asked him to stay in with me as I couldn't drink. But he wanted to go out, didn't want me there either. So that was it, I gave in, I apologised. Told him I was sorry that I was hormonal and that he can go out. 

That week he didn't really talk to me. He was ill for two days. He ignored all my calls, all my texts, any social media. BUT can like this girls photo on instagram. I was hurt. So I went round one night to pick up my pillows. He was at work until 11:30 so I thought I might see him. But when I got to the flat Rob rang josh, the conversation went a little like this:

josh:" yo man where you at?"

Rob: "Just finished, whats the situation?2

Josh:"Meg's here just chatting to her. You on your way back?"

Rob:" I was, but I'm not now." 

I left. 

I heard the whole thing. This coward wouldn't even come back to his own flat because I was there. I was livid. COWARD. I was so angry. I stormed out, started walking home but wanted to catch him on my way, and I did, but I called him. He picked up and this is what he said before I had a chance to speak.

"Meg, go home, cal down and go to bed. I've just finished work and don't need this. I'm tired"

I paused, yes, I was crying if that's what you wondered. 

"He's more of a man than you'll ever be."

I hung up.

I called my mum crying. I looked god damn awful. I was carrying two pillows, a bag and my handbag, whilst crying and god knows what else. 

I looked at my phone when I got home and had received two nasty text messages from Robbie basically saying he is done playing my games, and sick of the way I treat him and that I should go be with this other man I was on about. 

I was on about his brother. Long story but short hand:

brother sexually assaulted me, hes girlfriend had a baby, Rob didn't agree with as he was 15. Rob took my side and got kicked out that's why he was at mine for so long. Then a lot of horrible things happened. Now we're here. 

I rang him. He picked up. I asked if we could speak tomorrow, he said yes, but he was going to bed now.

So I lay in bed, upset, angry, alone, and feeling lost. And to top it all off? I've still got a huge arse decision to make!