Part 2/ Same day

Once I hung up the phone with Robbie, I staggered to his new flat with Meg, it was about a 2 minute walk from where we were standing before. 

I told Meg to wait outside just in case as I wasn't sure if I was going to be staying there as the last 3 days, or should I say 2 months with Rob have been incredibly rocky, but I 'll get to that later! 

I pressed the buzzer hard. I was shaking rapidly. Robbie opened the large metal door. His eyes locked onto mine, his big brown beautiful eyes. His face dropped when he saw me, but he welcomed me inside. He kept asking me: "What's wrong?", "what is it?", "what's the matter?" I just motioned to go inside. My heart was racing, as I looked at everything in detail. The floor, it was damp but it hadn't rained in what felt forever, so the court yard didn't see much day light. The door handle, gold but rusting, had it been there a while? How many hands had touched it? The green flooring as I entered the stairway, not a bright grass green, but not a dark green, just the perfect between colour. 

The image of Robs face was in the front of my mind, those big caring eyes, with the puppy dog face, the way he has never looked before, the concern on his face. I wasn't sure how he was going to react. 

I kept my head down walking up the short flight of stairs, tears rolling down my face, I didn't know how to act or how to move. It was almost like I was learning to walk for the first time, learning to hold myself up. This was also the first time I had seen and spoken to him in 4 days.

I opened the flat door, grabbed the nearest chair to me. Wooden, cold and hard. I starred at the floor, shaking, still. Robbie crouched on the floor to try and look at me, his warm hands on each of my legs. 

"What? What is it?"

"I'm pregnant.." I whispered.

He stood immediately and started to hysterically laugh. I was confused, was this how he was meant to react?

" I knew it! I knew it!" He proclaimed.

" I knew something bad was going to happen! Every time I think something is going right, it goes wrong!"

"Have you missed a pill! OH MY GOD! It's just my luck."

He went on and on and on about how this was terrible, he didn't want kids, he didn't want a baby.

"AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET RID OF IT!" 

"IF YOU HAVE THIS BABY, YOU DON'T HAVE ME!"

These phrases stuck in my head, going over and over. All about him? How he doesn't want to be a dad, did I ever say he had to be a dad. He doesn't want kids. He doesn't want anything to do with me if I keep my baby. These words coming from someone who I took in and homed for 6 months when he had nowhere to live, I helped him out with money, I always supported him in everything, even when he didn't have a job. This is a man i use to care about a lot. And he can turn around to me and tell me that's it, if I have this baby? Thanks a lot, thank you for caring about my feelings. Thank you for asking how I'm doing. 

We spoke a lot about the situation, all my options. Yes, he did come around and he was very understanding about how I felt about it all. I asked him to go tell Meg to leave as I wanted to stay and chat, so he did. 

Within those couple of minutes, I held my belly. I cried. I curled myself up into a ball on the sofa. He then came and joined me. Harry Potter the order of the phoenix was on. My favourite. 

It was about 5pm at this point, ,y and Robbie had spoken for over 4 hours, and now we were cuddled up on the sofa. We came to the conclusion that I wouldn't keep the baby as it wouldn't be right. I couldn't be a mum yet, could I? We agreed that if this was my decision then he would have to support me throughout because I knew I was going to be a mess, I know how the little things get to me. I hate decisions, he is always the one making them for me. So this being one of the hardest decisions in my life, terrified me. 

He spoke after we kissed:

"I'm going to go get a shower, then I'll walk you home?"

home! I didn't want to face myself let alone go home and put on a smile and face my mum.

I nodded.

We kissed again but this time longer. The kiss grew into a make out session,like we had never kissed like this before. we suddenly started taking each others clothing off. He was irresistible, I wanted him right there and now. It was such an ease, so simple, so peaceful and blissful. Falling out of our clothes holding each other and kissing, Yes, this is how we got into this situation in the first place, but you gotta remember I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks.    

 He picked me up( he never picks me up) and carried me to his room. I felt weightless, nothing else in that moment mattered, it was just me and him, skin to skin, lips to lips, soft to touch and warm. It was though I had been swept off my feet, that I wasn't in that situation, I was just with him. My Robbie. 

We laid in bed after, and spoke about the life that grew inside me, he said that we might not be doing this for a while because B-A-B-Y. I chuckled. I don't think it had hit me yet. I was still so caught up in this romance that I didn't want to think about this huge decision I had to make.

That evening he walked me home, we held hands. I haven't held his hand in so long, it felt nice holding something warm as we walked in the cold. I felt safe with him, I felt loved and wanted, I felt I had purpose and if that meant just being with him, then that would be it forever, I love him in this moment, I love him in this day, but there are worse days to come...

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