7 Weeks and 1 day

I don't really want to write this.

This has got to be the hardest thing to write down in words.
Losing someone, someone so small and someone you don't know yet, is the hardest thing to do.
There were so many possibilities, I still don't know if I made the right choice, but it's a choice I have now got to live with day in day out. I'm so sad about it, but it was the right choice.

I went to work that day, 7 am start. The weather was miserable.(1) Dark and cold, my soul felt the same that day. It was all I could think of on the walk to work. It hasn't truly left my mind since I found out. It will never leave my mind, I know this because it's been such a hard decision and such a difficult 2 months.
I've done this on my own since day one, yes, I may have told a few people to talk to them about it but they didn't make this decision for me. I did.

As I walked in the rain that morning towards work, it dawned on me that I could feel drops of rain on the back of my neck, I thought nothing of it and carried on my journey. Once I arrived at work, there was a hole in my coat. My whole left shoulder was soaked. (2)

I was at work for 2 hours. Work dragged so much, it was so boring and painful. Being moved to kids wear is extremely draining, considering my situation. I just wanted to get out of there. If I'm honest I just wanted to cry, I didn't know how to feel. I was cold, damp and incredibly scared.

I left work at 9:20. I grabbed my belongings and swiftly left. I headed to subway, the one by the station, figured that I wouldn't have to walk far in the rain.
Bacon sandwich, cuppa tea and orange juice. The sandwich wasn't all that tasty.(3).

Meg and Ellie turned up. Meg was drenched from head to toe, which I immediately started laughing at. She was not impressed. But she was laughing too because she forgot her coat, which she had an umbrella but that broke.

We all made our way to the clinic, past the walk in, and past the pharmacy, up the stairs through the first set of doors.
I was shitting it. I went to the desk, told them my name, in which she handed my a pink file to fill out.
We sat in the corner of the room. Kids chairs and toys scattered around.(4) Heart pumping.

We waited maybe 10 minutes, just enough time for me to fill out all the forms about my health and contacts in case of emergencies.The first lady called me into a very tiny room.
"Have you filled out the forms?"
I nodded.
"Why are you here today?"
I froze, sightly confused.
"for a termination" she added.
"yes." I replied quietly.

"Why are you here for that."
She asked.
" I'm not ready for that kind of commitment, I'm not ready to be a mum... This wasn't planned, this is not how I want to bring this child into this world."
I replied,
I reflected on what had just come from my mouth, I suddenly became all emotional. My eyes started watering, just out of nowhere. I wasn't crying, none of these tears left my eyes.

It wasn't that I was sad, it was that it was finally sinking in what was happening. She sent me to another lady. This lady was bubbly, all over the place, she was extremely friendly and welcoming. Just didn't feel all to serious.
She wanted a wee sample, so I went off to the toilet and did that. She took a blood sample too as well as my blood pressure. After she examined me, showed me the scan and printed me off a picture. That hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I had to wait 40 minutes. We went to super drug so I could buy supplies, and hair dye.
We went back, 5 minutes later I was called in by the second woman. She talked me through it all and I agreed.

Heart broken, but I knew what was about to come.