The week that followed

There's been silence for a week now. 

The first two days were tough, really tough. I hated myself for a while. I hated the way I felt, I hated myself for what I had said and what I had done. But on day 3 something had changed. It was like I had a new outlook on the world, it's like I view things, people and situations completely differently. I finally felt good. I felt relaxed, I had nobody to worry about apart from myself. I had nobody looking upon me badly, and nobody being angry at me. I feel so much more relaxed. 

Me and Rob haven't spoken since Monday 31st October, which is when he decided up get up and leave, walk out my life and leave me with this huge decision to make. 

"I'll be there to support you but not as a boyfriend." That is one of the last things he said to me. 

Do I need his support? 

No.

Would it have been nice to have him there through this? 

Yes.

But he couldn't wait:

"There's no good time to do this." 

What? I've just found out I'm pregnant and I'm very stressed and hormonal. So yeah, I'm doing really fucking well mate! well done! Thank you for making my day that little bit better! 

Idiot.

Silence is deadly. 

He first messaged me on:

Saturday 5th November at 11:17 am "Wednesday, we still going?"

Because we originally planned to go together to the clinic because it's something I decided to do. I'm young and there is no way I am ready to be a mum. There is no way I can support this child the way I would wanted. He messaged me to find out if I wanted him there and if I was still going. But I ignored him. I didn't reply. He then rang me: 

Saturday 5th November 3 miss calls at: 11:38, 11:39, 11:39. am. 

I didn't pick up, I didn't answer, I didn't want to. He has no right to ring me and ask me just casually if I'm going to make this life changing decision. This huge decision. 

Over the weekend I was with an old friend who I haven't seen in about 2 to 3 years, it was really nice, we hung out, watched pointless TV, chatted all night about what we've been doing over the years. I love those friendships, so effortless and so chilled out. So I was dropped home Sunday around 8 pm. I started getting ready for bed, all the boring stuff: shower, food, sort out my things for the next day and watch something on TV. 

I finally sat down, scrolling through social media etc, and then suddenly there's a knock on my door. 

Josh. He came in, still in his work gear. He started asking me all kinds of questions about my life:

• where I'd been
• What I'd been doing
• Who I'd been with
• How was work
• How was I 
• Who am I talking to
• Why I didn't message him back
• Do I talk to Greg

Just seemed a little weird. I knew these things would get laid back to Robbie, so I was really blunt with him.

Because I haven't replied to any of josh's messages either. He called me a snake, which I got really irritated by and I just kinda went back into my shell. 

Seems as though when either of them need my help or support. I'm there. Moving out for example, I wasn't okay with it, but I had to be and I respected that. I helped them move out. I housed Rob for 6 plus months. 

So when I needed them to support me in this, they didn't. The two people I thought I could trust the most, and to always have my back, didn't. It was either their opinion, no one else's. I couldn't talk to them about anything, I could voice my mind, the thoughts I had the process that went through my head, it all got shut down, because apparently my opinion was wrong, it was as though I shouldn't even think about it.

THEY WEREN'T THERE WHEN I NEEDED THEM SO WHY SHOULD I GIVE THEM MY TIME AND ATTENTION!

Anyway, Josh then left after questioning me as if he was the lawyer and I was the Victim. 

I made crumpets and went back to my normal routine. 

Then my phone started vibrating. Guess who is calling? 

Sunday 6th November 3 miss calls at 21:52, 21:53, 21:54. pm from Mr Rabbani. 

Again, I didn't pick up. 

I'm proud of me. I'm proud that I'm now not running back to him, answering his every question, call and text. I didn't feel bad about it either. I had nothing to say to him, I didn't need him, I didn't want to talk to him, and I certainly didn't need him coming to an appointment that I made by myself, for myself and no one else. I don't need extra stress. I don't need him showing up after the difficult decision making part and for the easier part going through with it. If he wasn't there when I needed him then he sure as hell wasn't going to be there when I went through with it. He's not the nice guy in this. He hasn't been here to support me throughout this, so he doesn't get to show up when he wants to.

I think this situation has changed me in so many ways. I'm so much more relaxed. I just want to chill out. I don't need stress. The world keeps spinning, right? So why dwell on something I can't change. 

If he doesn't want to be with me, then that's totally fine, I can't force him to be.

However if he does, then actions speak louder than words. And 6 phone calls isn't enough. 

I can't keep making the same mistakes, I can't keep going around in a circle, being used, being mistreated, being lied to, being pushed out, being someone I'm not, and I definitely don't want to be hurt over and over again, and again, because I can't handle that kind of pain for another moment. Some of the things he did are unforgivable, that doesn't mean I don't care about him. He has been a huge part of my life for two years. It's sad really to see it play out like this. It's really sad, in fact it's heart breaking. But shockingly I'm okay, and I will always be. It just shows that our relationship was both of us clinging to each other, holding on to something that is now not there.

I'm not even angry about what he has done, because in all honesty I expected it. 

We all show our true colours when there is a difficult situation at hand. 

"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

PS

Go find someone who makes you feel like the sun was something they made for you in their tool shed.